Resolutions: Is Your Ass Even Following Through?


Carbs will be the death of my new year’s resolutions.

Anybody else on the road to enlightenment?

I wave the “New Year, New Me” banner and I hoist the shit high because self-improvement means I can look down on haters*.

Is that wrong?

No, but really. There are various aspects of my life that I vow – every fucking year, might I add – to take control of. And for a good few months, I’m able to take the reins until the inevitable road bumps that lie ahead knock me off course. Let’s just say that if I were mentally and emotionally strong, I would have six-pack abs, a novel, and the ability to switch on and off between English and Spanish. But like I said, life happens. Shit happens. McDonalds happens.

And thankfully (and unfortunately for the 92 percent out there), I’m not the only one who gets knocked off course because apparently, only 8 percent of people actually achieve their New Years resolutions.

But as years go by and my Asian wear and tear progresses, the need to make healthy and smart decisions is becoming more vital to successful living. And by successful living, I’m talking looking and feeling healthy and staying alive past 60. High blood pressure and cancer apparently run in this family so it’s better for me to start respecting my body early rather than dragging an oxygen tank later on. In other words, get your shit together, Neil.

[In tiny voice] But quit smoking anytime you want.

So why the hell start now when there have been countless showers taken with life revelations all throughout the year? For me, it’s just easy to count off how long I’ve kept my promise by starting off in January. And I bet a bunch of other people are thinking the same shit too.

So what exactly are some of my New Year’s resolutions?

  1. Lose weight. So cliché, but honestly, it’s hard looking at pictures and seeing my stomach bulging out of my stomach like that. I’m constantly looking for loose-fitting t-shirts to make up for the fact that all my pants are too tight.
  2. Clear up my face because the acne is hideous, my love.
  3. Experiment with writing and photography. Explore different mediums. Venture out into video. Explore short stories and talking to people. Photograph patterns, lines, different lighting.
  4. Make cleaning my room a MUST-DO rather than brushing it off as ‘organized clutter.’
  5. Provide more for my turtles. The appearance of my tank is seriously an indicator of an owner who has no job. They have a lily pad, a rock, and a docking area for them to climb on, but no lamp, sand, or filter.
  6. Be fearless. Learn the hustle. Question everything. Accept your faults. Don’t be afraid to experience.

Anybody else have New Year’s resolutions they’d like to share? Sound off!

* I have to put a note down here because some people can’t seem to interpret what’s a joke. This is just here to note that NO, I don’t take on resolutions to make other people’s blood boil. I do it to benefit one person only – and that’s me. Well, also my turtles.

About neilprotacio

Freelance journalist who just so happens to know what goes well with certain breads.
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